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The author,
Skye Thomas is available for life coaching.
What the Matter Is
Years ago, when my oldest boy was quite young, he tickled my mother with that phrase. I would ask him, “What’s the matter?” and he would answer me, “Well, what the matter is…” followed by whatever it was that he needed to discuss with me. He would say it with that very serious face that small children get when they are expecting us to take them seriously. We all loved the cute way he prefaced his concerns.
I overheard my daughter talking to my two-
I found myself getting really annoyed. The more she asked him that question, the more I was irritated by it. But why? I began thinking about why that particular question repeated in such a sugarcoated voice was bothering me so much. Then it hit me. This is the core of where we learn to think that something is wrong with our lives. It’s that question asked of us since the cradle. “What’s wrong?” That gets us thinking that something is actually wrong.
I told her to shift her question to “What’s the matter?” I told her that it means the same as “What’s the topic?” She could also say like, “Tell me why you are upset.” Or ask him “Why are you crying?” She could also ask him, “How can I help?” Make the conversation about the topic or event without actually assuming that something in life must be ‘wrong’. Just because we are upset or frustrated does not mean that life is wrong.
Asking someone, “What’s wrong?” immediately puts them into the mind frame of describing
what is wrong with their circumstances. They focus only on the negative and not
on problem solving or solutions. They aren’t focused on their own role in creating
the situation. By asking someone, “What’s wrong?” we are doing them a disservice.
We are sending them down the wrong path. The goal should be to guide them towards
finding peace within the moment, towards finding solutions, towards self-
Personal power can come from a small shift in vocabulary. My personal favorite is
to ask, “So tell me, what do you need?” Another favorite is, “So, what do you want
to do about it?” This immediately puts them into a place of looking at a future
where the negative circumstances are no longer perceived as such. What skills and
tools would help them to overcome their problem? These types of questions also open
up the door so that I can also propose that they might need to make a shift in attitude
towards the problem or person that is bothering them. From that point, we can begin
to take inventory of what skills and tools they already posses. We can begin looking
at how to implement the changes they want to see. We can also begin brainstorming
for ways to manifest whatever skills or tools they might need to acquire. It is
a very solution-
This change in how we can show our care and compassion towards others applies to everyone regardless of age. Try it the next time a coworker is grumbling about the boss. Ask them, “Well, what do you think we should do to start making changes around here?” The next time your teenager starts sniveling about how unfair life is, ask them, “How do you propose we make it more fair for everyone involved and not just you?” When you find your spouse looking like they are close to tears, ask, “How can I help you to feel better?” These types of questions get the person looking forward towards a time when they might not be miserable anymore.
With little kids especially, it would really help to use these kinds of questions to mold their original understandings about problem solving. It’s better to get them used to looking towards creating a life they find joyful rather than towards finding fault with the world. We simply cannot fix everything for them, and we should not teach them to whine and complain. We have to teach them that it is possible to turn adversity into opportunity. We really owe it to our children to teach them how to open up and ask for help when they are overwhelmed. At the same time, we have to make sure they know they will be solving their own problems. It is never too soon to teach our children how to take responsibility for what kind of experiences they are having. Help them when they really need it, but most of the time they just need to be reminded that they are perfectly capable of fixing it themselves.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge