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Looking Up Newsletter
Self-Esteem and Teens
Ideally, we raise our children from the cradle to have a positive sense of self-esteem.
A child that has always had a strong sense of who they are and were they want to
go with their life is not as likely to dabble in drugs, alcohol, and premarital sex.
A child who has a safe open dialog with at least one of their parents is not as
likely to keep secrets and start sneaking around during the teenage years. A child
who has been raised to set personal boundaries is not as likely to let peer pressure
dictate their standards of conduct. Children who have been raised to recognize their
own gifts and limitations are able to make their own choices about what is in their
long-term best interest. But most teens weren’t raised perfectly and they know it,
so along with the lack of self-confidence they are often carrying at least a little
bit of animosity towards the authority figures that have failed them.
Teens have a double-edged sword in their hands. On the one side, they have none
of the adult wisdom that comes from making their own choices and seeing for themselves
what does and does not work for them. On the other side, they have serious hormone
levels that by design give them the feeling of strength and immortality. You see
it in boys especially. There is nothing quite like a heavy dose of testosterone
to give a previously insecure boy the belief that he can tackle the opposing football
team or even ask the most popular girl out on a date. Hormones foster a temporary
manic form of self-esteem in teens that often gets them into more trouble then good.
They think their new can-do attitude is enough to get them through life, but the
truth is, those hormone levels eventually mellow out and their original lack of self-esteem
will come back. Often you will see young adults in their early to mid-twenties undergoing
a depression as the reality of their limited belief systems drift back into their
awareness. It’s like the tide just came back in. From this place, a lot of folks
decide that nothing they do ever really matters and they resign themselves to a dull
uneventful life. They put their dreams up on a shelf and most never bother to try
again. Remember back in your own life, when did you give up on your dreams?
We need to educate our teens in advance that the Superman Complex will wear off and
that they will go back to being normal people again. That does not make them failures;
it just makes them human. It should be taught in the health curriculum along with
defining the upcoming body changes, that when all of that stabilizes, they will no
longer feel invincible. That would help them to not go through a withdrawal type
depression later in life. “When I was young, I always dreamed of being a _____ when
I grew up. Now I’m just answering phones on this customer service hotline being
yelled at everyday by irate customers. This is definitely not what I had in mind
when I pictured ‘happily ever after’.”
Yes, we should teach them self-esteem from the time they are born. Yes, we should
teach them how to create a balance between self-obsession and caring about others’
needs. And yes, we should teach them that there is a time and a place for immediate
gratification and a time and a place for delayed gratification. But what is often
missed is the basic core belief that they are capable of doing anything they set
their minds to. Teens should be taught that it takes hard work and determination
to make the big important dreams come true. It is fun to dream of becoming an overnight
success as a rock star or as an athlete, but that behind the scenes their heroes
did work hard to master their craft and to become noticed by people who had the ability
to promote them. Teach them that luck is something that rarely finds you, you often
have to go looking for it. We have to teach our teens the nuts and bolts of how
to make their dreams come true.
We have to talk to them and find out what their goals are. Then we have to help
them plot a course that is exciting and adventurous. Help them understand that they
can accomplish a lot towards fulfilling those goals now, but that there will come
a day when nature dictates they will slow down and the fire in their belly will become
a quiet ember. They need to be forewarned so they will stay focused now and can
get a lot of the hard work done before hand. That is why they need to go to college
as soon as possible, or train as apprentices now, or practice their craft until they
can perform inside out and upside down in their sleep. They have to work hard while
they have the youthful drive to do so. Encourage them to run with their dreams in
a positive logical direction that will actually get them where they want to go. Show
them how to look backwards over their shoulder once in a while to see just how far
they have come and that they may not be at their ultimate finishing point, but they
have made wonderful progress so far.
Do not let them tell you that they do not have any goals and that there is nothing
they are good at anyway. Somewhere in their grumpy little hearts is a dream; make
them find it. Self-esteem does not come from someone else telling us that we are
capable. Self-esteem comes from fighting, scratching and digging our way towards
something. It is that little voice somewhere in the back of our minds whispering,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…” and that cannot come from Mommy and
Daddy. That comes from pushing ourselves beyond our easy comfort zones.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge
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