How Do You Build Self-Confidence?
Years ago while running an at-home daycare, I came to realize that we are all born
with an innate sense of self-confidence. Every single child under the age of five
that I have ever observed has had a strong self-confidence in at least one area of
their life. Most kids had confidence in all areas of their lives. It seems to me
that they systematically lose that confidence and it is replaced by an inner critic.
Quite often, it is the child’s home life, but sometimes it is the schools, neighborhood
kids, extended family, or some other person who unknowingly destroys the child’s
belief in themselves. Children have to be told they are not good enough, strong
enough, smart enough, or talented enough to accomplish whatever it is they are trying
to do. Unfortunately, most of us are told exactly that. So, how do we rebuild that
sense of self-confidence?
The first thing I want you to do is to imagine that you had an ideal loving emotionally
supportive childhood. Think about what kind of person you would have been if you
had been raised to believe in yourself and in your natural gifts and talents. What
were those gifts and talents? What were you really good at? What kinds of activities
came easy for you? Now write down a list of talents, traits, attributes, and gifts
that you loved and probably excelled at before you were convinced that you were not
any good at them. Choose items from that list for the next step.
Self-confidence is destroyed one piece at a time. So, you are going to rebuild it
one piece at a time. Pick things from your list and plan out tiny baby steps. Were
you meant to be a great artist? Then start out by doodling. Just start carrying
a pencil and paper around with you and allow yourself to absentmindedly doodle little
pictures. Eventually, allow the passion to find it is way through you and you will
begin to draw bigger and better, adding paints or whatever medium you were always
meant to use. Were you supposed to be a musician? Then start humming little tunes
in your head, begin playing around with an instrument. If it is possible, carry
an instrument around with you and whenever you are bored or have some downtime, just
sit and absentmindedly allow your fingers to play with it until the music within
you begins calling to you again. Whatever the thing, pick something from your list
and begin to play with it without paying a lot of attention to being perfect or talented
or anything else. Just hold the tools and space out for a while so that you can
get out of your own self-consciousness and just play with the tools. Nobody has
to know if you do not want them to.
Repeat this process as much as you can. Keep picking up pieces of yourself on that
list and adding them back into your sense of self. Do not wait until you have become
really good at the first new skill before picking up another one. Just play with
each item on your list as the mood crosses you. There is no need to beat yourself
up for not being super talented because in reality all you are doing is simply playing
with toys that remind you of your childhood. Allow your inner child, inner teenager,
inner artist, inner musician to simply play. Eventually, you will come to realize
one day that you do have natural gifts and talents and that will go a long way towards
building your self-confidence.
That is all good and well if your confidence problems center around skills, but what
if your lack of self-confidence happens to be in the interpersonal relationships
area? Are you painfully shy? Too afraid of rejection to even reach out to connect
with others? Do you beat yourself up for not looking just so? Depending on the
severity of your self-sabotaging belief system, you may want to get a professional
therapist to help you with this. If it is not too bad, but you have less self-esteem
then you would like to have, then ask someone that you trust to help you with this
part. Ask your friend to point out examples of other people who look or act like
you. For example, if you think you are fat and everyone says you are not, then have
your friend point out to you other people who are built like you. Have them compare
your figure to someone famous. Chances are they will not say Orson Wells! Few people
are really horribly fat. Eventually, it will sink in that you are not really as
fat as you think you are. If you are really worried that people will think you are
stupid or dull when they first meet you, then have your friend rehearse with you
so that you can feel comfortable making small talk with new people.
What if through practicing a new skill or through working on social skills and your
personal image with a friend, you find out that you need to actually work on something?
Maybe you do have a few pounds to lose. Maybe you need singing lessons. Okay,
so be it. That is not a reason to quit moving forward with building upon your fragile
new sense of confidence. Just go get the help, the lessons, the workout routine,
the coaching or whatever else it is that you need to continue moving forward. There
will always be teachers and coaches of some sort because there will always be people
reaching beyond where they already are. The only problem with a low self-confidence
is that we stop giving ourselves permission to learn new things. The fact that we
do not know how to be or do everything perfectly is not a good reason to lose confidence
in ourselves. As long as you can play at new things and can learn, then you are
able to improve and grow. At some point, turn around and look at how far you have
come. Pride will show itself.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge
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