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He Believes What He Says
When he says he’s sorry and he’ll never hit you again, he means it. He really believes it with all his heart. That’s why he’s so charismatic and believable. He means it when he says he loves you and he’s agonizingly sorry for what he’s done. You aren’t stupid for falling for his promises that it will never happen again. He falls for them too. He really truly believes those promises will be kept. That’s part of his anger later, he knows how much he wanted it to be true.
Few men who beat up their wives or their children want to do so. Yes, there are a few really twisted individuals who enjoy it, but most are not like that. They were often raised in violent families and somewhere in the deepest level of their mind is this little program that runs on autopilot that says, “This is the way real men resolve conflicts.” They hate it as much as you do. They want to believe that with sheer willpower they can stop themselves the next time anger strikes them. Meanwhile, you walk on eggshells trying not to upset them and they blame you for making them mad when it happens again.
The truth is that it is not your fault for upsetting them and it is not their fault for not having enough willpower. The problem lies deep in their childhood scars. They cannot change the dynamic by themselves. You cannot love them enough to make it stop happening either. Yes, love is a powerful healer, but it’s not ever going to heal a problem of that magnitude. They need professional help. Somehow, either through love of you, love of your children, or fear of what they will do the next time it happens… somehow they have to be convinced that it’s a sign of strength to seek help rather then to hide away pretending that it will never happen again.
It’s often extremely difficult to get these men to go in for counseling because many
of them suffer from a form of narcissism in which they don’t want the outside world
to see them as flawed and imperfect. They were so wounded as children that they
are terrified of people finding out they are not okay. They believe they won’t be
respected or worthy of love and admiration. You will find many of these men are
overachievers. Some are drunks too lazy to work, but many of these men are pillars
of the community. It’s easy to convince people that the town drunk is violent, but
unfortunately nobody is going to believe that a professional articulate leader is
secretly beating his wife and kids. Part of his overachiever fantasy belief about
himself is that he could stop if people would just quit pushing his buttons. This
article isn’t really about how to escape, but about the man’s belief that he is capable
of self-
He really believes his vow to never allow himself to hurt you again. I’m not saying you should just forgive and forget and trust him over and over again. You or one of your children could very well end up in the hospital or even dead. I’m saying that the reason he’s so believable and it’s so easy for you to fall for his promises over and over again, is because he really truly means it from the depth of his heart and soul. He really doesn’t want to hurt you or the kids ever again. He does love you. It’s his mental health problem, not yours. You can believe him that he means it, know that he wants to keep his promises to you, understand him better, and even find forgiveness in your heart. Most importantly, you can forgive yourself for wanting so much for his promises to come true. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting the relationship to work out and wanting to believe that this time he’ll be able to control himself. However, you still have to be smart and protect yourself and your children. Educate yourself about the dynamic you are going through. Find resources, even if they are with strangers at a shelter. They will believe you and who can help you. Love him, forgive him, encourage him to get professional help, but don’t stay in danger any longer.
Copyright 2004, Tomorrow’s Edge, Skye Thomas
This one article is NOT included in “Love’s Dance” because it will be included in another book about domestic violence at a later time.