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Fear of Rejection

 

Getting the nerve up to ask someone to go out with you can be very difficult.  There are a lot more reasons to be afraid than there are for being brave.  Many of us have self-esteem issues firmly rooted in our childhood stories that hold us frozen and afraid to really reach out to others.  Our parents, siblings, or neighborhood friends taught us that we were less than beautiful, that we are not clever enough, wealthy enough, or likable enough.  A string of broken hearts and failed relationships can only add to the fear that perhaps those people were right and we really are not all that lovable.  But oh, how our souls long for someone to love who will love us back, forever.

 

One of the greatest crimes to mankind is that our childhoods are often so messed up.  Few parents really know how to teach their children about how to earn self-esteem through hard work, tenacity, and successfully accomplishing our goals.  We are not taught how to self-manage, self-monitor, self-discipline, and create a sense of self-respect that holds strong regardless of what naysayers may think of us.  Most of us did not have parents who sat down with us on a regular basis to show us examples of everyday average looking people finding other everyday average looking people to fall in love with.  We were left to define love, romance, sexuality, and ourselves according to our peers, television, movies, and fashion magazines.  Is it any wonder that very few young adults start out with a healthy positive self-esteem?

 

It only takes a handful of unexplained or lame rejections before an average guy assumes there must be something very unappealing about him.  Why else would all of these girls be turning him down?  It only takes a handful of men playing the field pretending to be interested in more than just sex, before a woman thinks that all men are creeps or that she is not worthy of anything more than a one-night-stand in the eyes of men.  Nobody wants that kind of pain and rejection.  Most of us have just enough self-respect to say, ‘I’m not going to do that again’ and then we shut down, no longer asking anyone out and not accepting anyone’s invitations to begin dating.  Studies show that we are moving towards a nation full of single adults all living alone.  More and more children are being raised in single parent households with no role model of what a marriage of any kind would even look like on a daily basis.  Our isolation and fear of rejection is being taught to our children.  Protect yourself at all costs; don’t let anyone get close enough to hurt you.  It’s just not worth the effort to even try anymore.

 

Mankind is a social animal.  We were never designed to be hermits in a big city.  We become depressed and physically ill as we become more and more lonely, isolated, and disconnected.  Not even a deep connection to a source of spirituality higher than ourselves is going to heal our broken hearts.  If anything, it just makes us long for heaven where angels and gods must love us.  Mankind must learn to connect with each other on a deeper heart-to-heart level.  Shallow superficial marriages are never going to be acceptable again.  That may have been okay for generations past, but we do not have to get married to have sex any more.  We do not have to get married to have a man provide food and shelter for us anymore.  We do not have to get married to have children anymore.  We can argue all day long as to whether or not it was better back when those taboos existed, but the simple fact is they do not exist anymore and we are never going to embrace them again.  We want our relationships to be about something far more important than society says we are naughty if we are not married.

 

So now what?  How do we begin to date again, to build real unions of the heart, how do we make ‘happily ever after’ into a part of our reality?  We are all so broken and flawed, or so we think.  Remember this, most people are far more insecure than they let on.  There is a reason that the search engines show phrases like ‘improving self-esteem’ and ‘building self-confidence’ are such popular topics.  We need to learn more about who we really are, what we really need as opposed to what we simply want, and what gifts do we have to offer a companion.  Really get to know yourself as a beautiful mix of characteristics, traits, flaws, and gifts.  Set some goals that are just beyond your reach and work hard to accomplish them.  Then do it again with a little bit tougher goal.  Find real self-esteem, real self-respect, and your real inner beauty as a soul of substance inside that body of yours.  Learn how to take care of your body.  It is a gift you want to share with your future partner, isn’t it?  Become the kind of person that your ideal partner would want to be with for the rest of their life.  

 

Once you are feeling strong and beautiful, then go out and begin looking for other people who have the glow of someone who feels strong and beautiful.  Do not just look for visually attractive people.  Look for people with that glow and inner light that comes from inner beauty.  Find it inside of them and ask those people if they want to date you.  Say yes you will give it a try when those types of people ask you out.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Those are the people who will be kind and honest even if the two of you decide that it is not the perfect match.  They will not be hurtful and ugly about breaking up and neither will you.  You will find that if you are at your best and you feel good about yourself, you will become a magnet to all kinds of people, especially those who are not feeling very good about themselves.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with physical beauty; it is about an inner light that shines for all the world to see.  We as a species have always loved those people with that glowing energy of inner peace and inner beauty.  Do it for yourself, role model it for the children, and do it for that special someone out there who is searching the globe for someone just like you.  Do it because your soul longs for it.

 

Copyright 2005, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge

 

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