Stop Searching for Rainbows, Be the Rainbow - A spiritual journey triggered by the threat of breast cancer.

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Stop Searching for Rainbows...

Be the Rainbow

The Not Knowing

I spend a lot of time sitting at my computer, completely engulfed while typing away at these articles and writing my little books of wisdom. I recently noticed a dull ache under one arm where my breast connects just below the armpit. As my hand would unknowingly reach up to rub it, I eventually realized there was a lump at the source of the ache. I quickly checked the other side to see if they matched. Nope, nothing like it on the other side. As the next month or so went by, it finally began to fully register in my head. I had a lump and it was not going away. How long had it been there?

I did not tell anyone for quite a while. I did not want it to be true. I have never been very good at denial, so I gave in to the idea that it was real and needed to be seen by my doctor. I was supposed to have my annual pap smear in about two months. I decided to see if I could get in early. It would be another week before they could see me. I wrote myself a reminder on the calendar. I do not get sick and I almost never go to the doctor. Therefore, the appointment stood out like a sore thumb. My daughter noticed almost immediately and had to ask why would I be going to see a doctor. As the rest of my family stopped in their tracks and listened to my answer, I saw the looks on their faces.

For just that moment, the nightmare of ‘breast cancer’ crossed everyone’s eyes. My oldest son is more of a man than a boy now and yet he was the one who fought the hardest to hold back his tears. I promised and assured them that I would be going through all the proper medical treatments and that until we knew for sure, we should not assume the worst. It is worth looking at and taking seriously, but that does not mean that it is definitely cancer. We all agreed to hold a positive attitude, but still that horrid ‘what if’ kept floating through everyone’s thoughts.

During the waiting, I remembered everyone I have ever known who has been diagnosed with cancer. The ones who said they would kick it, did. The ones who said it would kill them, died. I only knew one fighter who died, but his was pancreatic and apparently that one has an extremely low chance of survival anyway. I thought of all of them. I remembered their valiant fights. I knew for my children’s sakes, I would be a ferocious fighter.

When the day came to see my doctor, she agreed that I would need to have my first mammogram and probably an ultrasound. We needed to diagnose it properly. It was going to be almost two more weeks before they could run the tests. It is the waiting that can almost kill a person!

Every time I thought of my children, I would lose my mind. I don’t even know how many times over that two weeks, I broke into tears imagining them alone in the world. I am a single parent and they have family and friends to take them in, but still… I’m the rock they lean on, especially for my oldest boy. I am not sure he has ever really believed deep down that anyone else loves him unconditionally no matter what. My youngest is only two and he might not even have permanent memories of me if I died now. My middle child is my only daughter. She is in Middle School and I thought of her going through the dating years, her wedding, and her early years as a mother without me. It was not an egotistical kind of thing. I really worried about what their futures would be like as orphans. I worried about the mental health stuff that goes along with your only parent dying when you are a child. Mostly, I found myself wondering about their future spiritual lives. My family is not especially religious or spiritual, who would carry on with the teachings I wanted them to be raised with?

It was so difficult to know how to plan the next few steps of my life. What should I do with my career? What should I plan on for the upcoming holidays? Would this be my last chance at Christmas? Birthdays? Should I be spending my time playing with my kids and telling them how much I love them or should I be writing like crazy so they will have my words of love and maternal wisdom forever? I tried to strike a balance between the two. I wrote as much as I could wrap my mind around, but I also took more time to give each of them one-on-one quality time. It is difficult to do the right thing and not actually give voice to the thought that you might die of breast cancer.

What I came to realize is that I love my life just the way it is. I have made peace with my past. I have loved well and I have lived a wildly full and exciting life. I was rarely if ever bored! I did not originally follow my spiritual calling. I did not think I was worthy of such a calling. As a result, I cannot say that I was happy during most of my life. It took me a long time to find inner peace. In reflecting on such things, I came to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I would not change anything about where I am right now. I was completely at peace with the idea that I could live or die. I just did not want to leave the kids behind and I had at least three more books to write. I have not finished what I have come to do, and people always say that you do not get to leave the planet until you have finished what you were sent to do.

The Night Before

It was the night before I was to go in for a mammogram and ultrasound to find out if the lump was breast cancer or not. I had done quite a bit of reading online and was pretty sure it was a lymph node that was out of whack. I had seen the pictures showing how they would clog up with the cancer cells that were being cleaned out of the breast. I was a nervous wreck. I did not want to assume the worst, but it did not look good. I wanted to be practical but also upbeat and positive. It was a difficult line to walk.

Over the previous couple of months, I had tried during my meditations to reconnect with my spirit guides and guardian angels. I had not been able to reach them. I was under the impression that they wanted to spread their messages of love and self-empowerment through my books and articles. Every time I sat down to channel something for them, they were not there. Nothing… just dead silence from the heavens. I did not think I needed my angels for the lump in my breast yet because I didn’t even know for sure if it was cancer or not. I just wanted them to help me with my writing. Inspire me with something profound and heavenly! I had the overwhelming sense that I was doing the right thing by trying to find balance between my children and my spiritual calling. It was almost as if they did not need to show up because I had it all figured out. I suppose they may have been right, but I still wanted to feel their presence.

There was a three-day time period in which every time I drove somewhere with my oldest son, that we would spot a rainbow. We must have seen six or seven over those few days. We began joking around that he was my good luck charm. I usually do not see that many rainbows in an entire year. From then on, he would randomly ask me, “Where’s the rainbow?” I would stop and look. Whenever I could not find one, he would always laugh and say, “Yes it’s there. You just can’t see it!” It became our running joke. We were always hunting for rainbows together but did not find anymore after that first lucky streak.

On that last night before my mammogram, I had a meltdown. I cried for my children. I cried over the idea of a double mastectomy. I cried over my spiritual calling and the books I had not finished writing yet. I was at peace with dying, just not quite yet. I still had way too much on my to-do list. So, I lay there in bed sobbing, sighing, tossing and turning. I could not sleep for all the ‘what ifs’ floating through my thoughts.

I wished my guardian angels were there to help me relax. I really did not need for them to cure me or anything, just to help me to calm down so I could get to sleep. Then, I heard that still small voice hum a couple of notes of a song. It was so quiet and far away. I knew the song would help me if I could just turn up the volume and get them to hum a few more notes so I could recognize what it was. That small voice in my head kept whispering a tiny couple of notes. It sounded so small and far away. What song was it? What was I supposed to be remembering? I knew that I already knew the song even though I really could not hear it very well.

Suddenly, I heard the name of the song and burst into happy tears as I got up to get the CD. I cried tears of joy as I sang along with the song. It was our special song, “Talking To My Angel” from Melissa Etheridge’s Yes I Am CD. It has always held a special place in my heart as my theme song about my relationship with my spirit guides. I sang for my angels. Through Melissa, they sang for me.

I was immediately able to start breathing again without all of the heavy sighs and restless anxiety. It had an immediate soothing effect on me. I was able to reflect on the lucky charm necklace I had been imagining. I had decided that if I did have breast cancer, then I would get a special necklace to symbolize my healing strength and power. I planned to have my loved one’s hold it and pray over it to add their love and support to it. I would wear it until the cancer event ended one way or another. My guides told me as I lay there rapidly unwinding that I was to wear a fairy pendant on my healing necklace. I love fairies and think they represent our angels, so I was pleased with the idea of having a fairy as my good luck charm.

Soon, my head started pounding so I got up to get some Tylenol out of the bathroom. Perched there on a small shelf in my bathroom was a fairy pendant my sister had given me about four months earlier. I had completely forgotten about it! Something felt very soothing and comforting about it because it would have my sister’s love in it. My daughter had been given a matching one. It would be a loving connection between the women in my family. Tickled, I put it on and began to feel completely protected, loved, and supported.

As I was just about to fall asleep, curled up and peaceful, I heard that small voice again. This time it was very clear as it said, “Stop searching for rainbows. Be the rainbow.” Then they told me to write about this event. It will touch people. Throughout my dreams that night, the words kept calling out to me, “Stop searching for rainbows. Be the rainbow.”

Be The Rainbow

I was no longer afraid to go in for my first mammogram. The night before, I had tossed and turned unable to sleep until my guardian angels had sung a song to me that reminded of their constant presence. It was our special song and I had forgotten it until they began to hum in my ear. They had reminded me to wear my lucky fairy necklace to hold the energy of women in my family. And finally, just as I was drifting off to sleep, they had told me to, “Stop searching for rainbows. Be the rainbow.” That’s got to be a good sign, right? Why would they give me an assignment like that if I was about to die from breast cancer? They must have agreed with me that I still have plenty of spiritual work to do here. I told myself that the lump most likely would not be cancerous. Even if I was going to die, I was about to become the rainbow, so it would not be all that bad, right?

What did they mean anyway? I knew they had a deep and profound lesson for me imbedded in that statement. My first thought was of the biblical idea of the rainbow being God’s promise. “Stop searching for God’s promise. Be God’s promise.” Then, I thought of my own beliefs about rainbows being magical and beautiful signs of hope and good luck. “Stop searching for magic. Be magic.” “Stop searching for beauty. Be beauty.” “Stop searching for hope. Be hope.” “Stop searching for good luck. Be good luck.” No matter what definition I used, it was always an amazingly and powerful concept.

I had hours to wait before it would be time to drive to the clinic for the mammogram. To keep my mind focused on something else besides double mastectomies and breast cancer, I went online and checked out some other beliefs about rainbows to see if the statement still held true when I played with it. “Stop searching for the bridge between heaven and earth. Be a bridge between heaven and earth.” “Stop searching for the bridge between the real world and the magic world. Be the bridge between the real world and the magic world.” “Stop searching for the end of destruction and the beginning of a new age. Be the end of destruction and the beginning of a new age.” No matter how I defined rainbows, it always proved to be the most awe-inspiring statement the angels have ever given me.

For me personally, I think they were talking about my endless search for ways to communicate with them. I often feel lost and alone and want the angels in heaven to act as my on-call-security-blanket. I don’t want to step out in blind faith. I want to know that they are right there waiting to catch me if I fall. I don’t want to face challenges on my own. I want them to guide me and steer me through everything so that I always have the most perfect painless results. I am always looking for a sign that they are here to hold my hand.

I think that their message was to start giving others what it is I have been looking for. Is this what a minister or pastor feels like when they first step out of ministerial school and go out to act as one of God’s messengers? Is this what it feels like to be a holy man? Give to others what it is you are looking to receive from heaven.

What would my life be like if I lived like one of the angels or spirit guides in a human form? What if I was spirit? What if fairies and magic really happened and I am living proof? If I had the magic and the power to love and support someone the way my angels love and support me, what would that look like? How would it feel? What does it look like from the inside when you become a rainbow? I see the world all sparkly and shimmery when I picture it from a rainbow perspective. I see the pot of gold and wonder about the connection between abundance and being the world’s rainbow. It makes me breathe deep like when you have been driving a long time to get to the beach and you finally arrive. As you step out of the car, the beauty of the place inspires you to take that delightful first breath of fresh air. That is the way I find myself breathing when I sit with these thoughts about the possibility of me becoming a rainbow.

I went in to my mammogram with these thoughts rattling around in my head. No worries. The doctor who read my x-rays and the ultrasound pictures said it was normal breast tissue and it was nothing to worry about. He said that if it continued to bug me, then I could have it removed, but it is not cancer. Yeah, I kind of knew that by then.

My daughter and I were tickled with the good news. We left the clinic in a playful mood. We rode an elevator down eight floors to get to the underground parking structure. She is usually so grown up and I am closer to forty than I like to admit. We were too happy that day to care about being grown ups. We jumped up and down as the elevator descended, giggling over the silly feeling of taking a little jump up, but falling further than we jumped. Try it some time, it’s fun! As the doors suddenly opened so that others could ride down with us, we abruptly stopped like children caught in the candy jar. We immediately put on our grown up proper behavior faces as we rode the rest of the way down to the lobby. We giggled and laughed together all the way out to the car.

What a wonderful life, jumping up and down in elevators, playing with my children, and writing my little books and stories for you. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my heart. Thank you for the lessons that gave me something to write about. Thank you for the breast cancer scare to remind me again that I love my life. Thank you for my children. Thank you for the music that inspires me. Thank you for fairies and magic. Thank you for my new perspective. Thank you for challenging me to become a rainbow. It would be my honor to bridge the gap between angels and humanity.

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